2013 MLB Team by Team predictions:
Nationals: In a continuing effort to keep P Stephen Strasburg healthy they will once again limit how much he pitches. This year they will not let him exceed 1000 2/3 innings pitched.
Braves: As political correctness continues to spiral out of control in the United States, the Braves will finally be forced to change their name. After holding a contest for a new mascot they become the Atlanta Grand Wizards. The entire franchise is ultimately traded to Japan for the Hiroshima Carp.
Phillies: After starting the season 1 - 3 Philadelphia fans, sick of their team losing, burn down Citizens Bank Park. After a cursory investigation, the chief of police tells the press he has "no suspects and no reason to believe the Phillies should have ever re-signed that horseshit Chase Utley".
Mets: They quit baseball as a team and become the top rated women's volleyball squad in Providence, Rhode Island.
Marlins: Work hard until the end of June learning the names of the players left after trading away all but one of the talented ones. They are finally able to trade Giancarlo Stanton to the Dolphins for season tickets and an autographed picture of Larry Csonka.
Reds: Joey Votto, who suffers from depression, signs to do a reality series for MLB Network titled "When Reds Get The Blues". It's cancelled after three episodes forcing Votto to double his Zoloft dosage.
Cardinals: Matt Holiday is mistakenly chosen as the next Pope. Though he explains he's not that kind of Cardinal, he is unable to get out of it and becomes Pope Stan The Man The II.
Brewers: 36% of their fan base dies from heart disease before the All Star break, causing them to raise prices on concessions like Bacon Wrapped Hot Dogs and Cheese Curds to over $17 making them unaffordable to the masses thus saving the lives of thousands of guys named Bud.
Pirates: Having not had a winning season since 1992 they spend 1.6 million dollars in attempt re-animate Roberto Clemente and Dave Parker. Upon realizing Parker is not dead, they sign him to a 3 year contract and finish 80 - 82.
Giants: Holding an 11 game lead with 15 to play, 74% of California sinks to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean after a magnitude 13 earthquake. The Dodgers are still unable to catch them.
Diamondbacks: In an ill-conceived cross promotion with the Arizona Reptile Habitat, the entire starting infield is killed.
Padres: The entire major league roster is suspended for most of the season after testing positive for marijuana. Pete Flaherty, an .800 hitter for a local softball team signs for $40 a game and sets a new NL record for strike outs with 1404.
Rockies: Decide to rename the team the Colorado Rockys and hire Sly Stallone as manager. Ivan Drago Bobblehead night is a huge success.
Dodgers: See "Giants".