2013 MLB Team by Team predictions:
NL EAST
Nationals: In a continuing effort to keep P Stephen Strasburg healthy they will once again limit how much he pitches. This year they will not let him exceed 1000 2/3 innings pitched.
Braves: As political correctness continues to spiral out of control in the United States, the Braves will finally be forced to change their name. After holding a contest for a new mascot they become the Atlanta Grand Wizards. The entire franchise is ultimately traded to Japan for the Hiroshima Carp.
Phillies: After starting the season 1 - 3 Philadelphia fans, sick of their team losing, burn down Citizens Bank Park. After a cursory investigation, the chief of police tells the press he has "no suspects and no reason to believe the Phillies should have ever re-signed that horseshit Chase Utley".
Mets: They quit baseball as a team and become the top rated women's volleyball squad in Providence, Rhode Island.
Marlins: Work hard until the end of June learning the names of the players left after trading away all but one of the talented ones. They are finally able to trade Giancarlo Stanton to the Dolphins for season tickets and an autographed picture of Larry Csonka.
NL CENTRAL
Reds: Joey Votto, who suffers from depression, signs to do a reality series for MLB Network titled "When Reds Get The Blues". It's cancelled after three episodes forcing Votto to double his Zoloft dosage.
Cardinals: Matt Holiday is mistakenly chosen as the next Pope. Though he explains he's not that kind of Cardinal, he is unable to get out of it and becomes Pope Stan The Man The II.
Brewers: 36% of their fan base dies from heart disease before the All Star break, causing them to raise prices on concessions like Bacon Wrapped Hot Dogs and Cheese Curds to over $17 making them unaffordable to the masses thus saving the lives of thousands of guys named Bud.
Pirates: Having not had a winning season since 1992 they spend 1.6 million dollars in attempt re-animate Roberto Clemente and Dave Parker. Upon realizing Parker is not dead, they sign him to a 3 year contract and finish 80 - 82.
Cubs: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
NL WEST
Giants: Holding an 11 game lead with 15 to play, 74% of California sinks to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean after a magnitude 13 earthquake. The Dodgers are still unable to catch them.
Diamondbacks: In an ill-conceived cross promotion with the Arizona Reptile Habitat, the entire starting infield is killed.
Padres: The entire major league roster is suspended for most of the season after testing positive for marijuana. Pete Flaherty, an .800 hitter for a local softball team signs for $40 a game and sets a new NL record for strike outs with 1404.
Rockies: Decide to rename the team the Colorado Rockys and hire Sly Stallone as manager. Ivan Drago Bobblehead night is a huge success.
Dodgers: See "Giants".
Showing posts with label Baseball. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baseball. Show all posts
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Jesus on the Mound
(read in the style of "Casey at the Bat")
Things weren’t looking good for the local hometown nine
Jesus wasn’t happy, he’d spent the season riding pine
The skipper wouldn’t use him, he said Jesus had a ‘tude
He couldn’t understand it, he’d heard the lord was a mellow dude
When he pitched batting practice, Jesus wasn’t nice
Every hacker stepping in would fan - not once, but twice
His fastball whistled in too fast, his slider bent like wire
He threw a nasty change up and his arm would never tire
No one could get the bat around, no one could quite connect
Jesus grinned and said aloud “What did you expect”?
Sportsmanship was lost on him, this one so pure and clean
When he hit the baseball field, the son of God was mean
The other men were angry when Jesus took the mound
Like Kelly Leak he made the plays, no ball would touch the ground
Though Jesus had knuckleball and vast amounts of nerve
One thing had plagued him dauntingly, he couldn’t throw a curve
At every vital juncture, when a game was still in doubt
Jesus tried the bender and rarely got an out
He’d kick the dirt dejectedly while tears began to swell
“You’re no Sandy Koufax” some atheist would yell
Now the score was much to close and the bullpen had been lame
The skipper called to Jesus “You’re going in the game!”
Jesus needed no warm up, he was already loose
The skipper begged him “Jesus, please don’t throw the deuce”.
The visitors had a man on third, the clean up hitter at the plate
Jesus needed just one out, to seal their losing fate
He quickly got to two strikes, throwing nothing but the heat
The batter standing in the box, staring at his feet
Jesus toed the rubber and heard the skipper call
“Jesus, please don’t do it! Not the breaking ball!”
Jesus had been stubborn, yes, all season long
Sticking with that curveball, had turned out to be wrong
Jesus reared and tossed the ball, it had an easy pace
The batter waited patiently, a smile grew on his face
But then the ball, it did a thing, to this grinning hitter
He lunged and missed mightily Jesus had thrown a splitter!
The crowd was going wild, they screamed and whooped and yelled
Jesus swallowed his foolish pride and the enemy had been felled
A lesson had been learned that day, a change in some behavior
Jesus got the final out and became a real savior.
Amen.
Things weren’t looking good for the local hometown nine
Jesus wasn’t happy, he’d spent the season riding pine
The skipper wouldn’t use him, he said Jesus had a ‘tude
He couldn’t understand it, he’d heard the lord was a mellow dude
When he pitched batting practice, Jesus wasn’t nice
Every hacker stepping in would fan - not once, but twice
His fastball whistled in too fast, his slider bent like wire
He threw a nasty change up and his arm would never tire
No one could get the bat around, no one could quite connect
Jesus grinned and said aloud “What did you expect”?
Sportsmanship was lost on him, this one so pure and clean
When he hit the baseball field, the son of God was mean
The other men were angry when Jesus took the mound
Like Kelly Leak he made the plays, no ball would touch the ground
Though Jesus had knuckleball and vast amounts of nerve
One thing had plagued him dauntingly, he couldn’t throw a curve
At every vital juncture, when a game was still in doubt
Jesus tried the bender and rarely got an out
He’d kick the dirt dejectedly while tears began to swell
“You’re no Sandy Koufax” some atheist would yell
Now the score was much to close and the bullpen had been lame
The skipper called to Jesus “You’re going in the game!”
Jesus needed no warm up, he was already loose
The skipper begged him “Jesus, please don’t throw the deuce”.
The visitors had a man on third, the clean up hitter at the plate
Jesus needed just one out, to seal their losing fate
He quickly got to two strikes, throwing nothing but the heat
The batter standing in the box, staring at his feet
Jesus toed the rubber and heard the skipper call
“Jesus, please don’t do it! Not the breaking ball!”
Jesus had been stubborn, yes, all season long
Sticking with that curveball, had turned out to be wrong
Jesus reared and tossed the ball, it had an easy pace
The batter waited patiently, a smile grew on his face
But then the ball, it did a thing, to this grinning hitter
He lunged and missed mightily Jesus had thrown a splitter!
The crowd was going wild, they screamed and whooped and yelled
Jesus swallowed his foolish pride and the enemy had been felled
A lesson had been learned that day, a change in some behavior
Jesus got the final out and became a real savior.
Amen.
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