Monday, October 27, 2008

Beauty is in the Eye of Me and You

I can’t deny I’m superficial. I don’t want to. Why should I, it’s not a negative trait. It’s human nature. EVERYONE is superficial. From Angelina Jolie to the guy in the Sav-Mart parking lot with the wispy beard and the hump. It’s ok to be attracted to someone based on their on looks. And we all are. If Angelina Jolie had some patchy facial hair and scoliosis “Lara Croft: Tombraider” goes straight to DVD.

Superficial is defined by Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary as “ concerned only with the obvious or apparent : shallow, concerned only with an appearance without regard to substance or significance”.

Think about why you bought your car? Was it because it offered the best functionality and value or was it because it was metallic flake silver and had pretty wheels? Sure, if you can get great gas mileage, reliability and comfort, you’ll buy that car too. But you’ll want it to make your genitals tingle when you look at it.

Just like when you’re picking a mate.

Have you ever overheard a girl say her to friend “That guy looks like he’d be sweet and funny. Yeah, the one over there with the comb-over, in the Members Only jacket.“? I doubt it. They’re looking for the guy with his hair moussed to just the right haphazard angle (it is NOT haphazard at all of course, but painstakingly made to look so), the square jaw, and the expensive watch. They’re not concerned, originally at least, about whether or not he can speak meaningfully about politics or literature. No. “You work out how many times a week?” is a more important question. Ask ten women what the most important quality in a man is, and at least nine of them will say “sense of humor”. Well, there must be a lot of hysterical firemen and investment bankers out there. I’m funnier than a lot of guys but if it comes down to me and a Navy fighter pilot driving a Vette - who do you think is getting laid? Knock Knock. Who’s there? Not me.

Men are no better. In fact we’re probably worse. We can be downright crude. We’ll say things like “Check out red sweater over there. I wonder how she shaves her vagina…” or “Hey, lookit blonde, black glasses. She looks smart. I’d like to Shake-spear her.” We don’t care if a woman can carry on intelligent conversation or knows who the Speaker of the House is. As long as she fits into size 4 jeans comfortably - we’re good. We don’t care if they think “Forest Gump” was a true story. We don’t care if they form all of their opinions about the world based on what they read in the Chatter section of “Us” magazine. If they’re blessed with good genes, they’ll have no shortage of fighter pilots and Corvettes.

Certainly there are exceptions. Remember Angelina Jolie, back there? Hell she married Billy Bob Thornton. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi. Who can forget Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek? He must be HILARIOUS.

And of course I’m not completely superficial. I’d never stay in a relationship with a beautiful woman who’s only draw was her looks. Not for longer than 6 or 8 months, tops.

There’s a popular saying among guys that goes like this: Show me the best looking woman in the world and I’ll show you a guy who’s tired of nailing her. There’s a lot of truth to that. That initial attraction, the one based on the superficial nature of a person, will not be the cornerstone of a wonderful relationship. It’s only the spark. But the spark is a necessary part of what, hopefully, becomes the fire. Sometimes that spark fizzles out, sometimes it becomes a small ember that burns brightly for a second or two and then there’s that rare occasion where it turns into a five alarm job. That occasion when you find that guy with the nurturing spirit, a love of children, and 6 pack abs. Or that girl who is compassionate, likes Major League Baseball, and has watermelon sized knockers. Whatever it is about your significant other that you love now would never have become apparent to you unless you were first attracted to them physically. It’s why online dating sites show you pictures. It’s why you spend hours getting ready to go out. It’s why people who otherwise might have nothing obvious in common meet, fall in love, and get married. If I listed the top five things I love to do on a Saturday afternoon (1. Sleep 2. Watch baseball 3. Feel sorry for myself 4. Sleep 5. Go bowling) and the top five things my wife loves to do (1. Work in the yard 2. Clean house 3. Watch QVC 4. Tell me to stop feeling sorry myself 5. Take a walk) you wouldn’t think we‘d be happily married would you? But we are and it’s because we found each other attractive in the beginning. HEY. Some women like bald guys with abnormally large noses and an abundance of ear hair.

And I will admit women are generally less superficial than men. All those examples back there of celebrity couples were ugly dudes with hot chicks ( I assume Ellen is the man). Good looking men rarely date ugly women. We’re not as evolved as broads. Well some of us are. Take a look at Jon Bon Jovi’s wife.

I love my wife more than anything in the world. She is beautiful, smart, funny and she’s the sole breadwinner. What’s not to love. But I’d never have had the opportunity to find out all these thing about her if I wasn’t initially physically attracted to her. If she’d been a dog - there’d never have been a second date. Now that I know her, she could grow a beard and I’d still love her. And that’s saying something because she’s Italian. She might REALLY grow a beard.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not superficial to a fault. I think we’re all a little superficial and that shouldn’t be considered a bad thing.

So the next time you feel badly because you’re just not attracted to that heavy girl at work who keeps coming on to you or the guy at the gym with mole cluster on his forehead who’s always asking you to spot him, remember it’s not because you’re a bad person…

It’s because they’re ugly.

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