Monday, July 27, 2009

The not so Great Outdoors

I spent the weekend out among strangers and after being exposed to them for more than 10 minutes or so, I'm beginning to understand why on-line gaming is so popular. If you're playing Warcraft or Halo 2 and the white trashiness begins to bubble to the surface, you can escape with the flick of a switch. If only it were so easy in the real world. It's not. So I beg of you, if you know anyone who is guilty of the offenses I'm about to discuss - slap them. Hard. Then tell them to read this (or as will be neccessary in many cases, read it to them). Thanks.

1. Keep your mutt on a leash. For chrissakes, at least WATCH it. If it gets near my dogs (who ARE tied to the trailer) or my kid, I'm gonna throw rocks at it. I'm willing to bet lots of trips to the vet or the emergency begin with the words "Oh, don't worry he's harmless". Looking at the empty beer bottles lying around your Dale Earnhardt Jr. blanket and the tribal armband tattoo, I'm not willing to trust your judgement about your dog. Just keep it under control. I'm sure too that it's incessant yelping doesn't bother you while you're out on your boat, but if I wanted to hear that, I'd still be dating my last girlfriend. And how the FUCK do YOU afford a boat? Are marijuana sales not affected by the economy?

2. It's a safe bet that everyone within 200 yards doesn't enjoy Lynard Skynard or Disturbed as much as you. Please turn it down. Or off.

3. It's none of my business if you want to yell things like "Fuckin' shit ass motherfucker" in front of your kids, but I don't really wanna hear it and I don't want my kid hearing it either. She spends enough time in the car with me to know more curse words than most marines, and I don't need her to hear it from you.

4. I'm sure you think you look BAD ASS riding your stand up jet ski 50 mph in the cove, but the speed limit is 10. TEN. It's ten because kids are swimming in the cove. It's ten because no one wants to hear the whine of your engine (though I'd take that over the Lynard Skynard). It's ten because that's as high as a lot of you can count. Bottom line is - it's ten.

5. Don't lollygag at the boat launch. Be ready when it's your turn. Don't back your trailer down there and then stop to change into your bitchen swim trunks with the skull and flames (how old ARE you?). Don't make us wait while you chit chat with your pals about the "fuckin' shit ass motherfucker who told you to tie up your dog and turn down your music". Just put the boat in the water and MOVE.

I know this seems bitter and judgemental. It is. After spending my saturday next to what amounted to a travelling carnival with no rides (that picture is a CHICK), I'm pissed. Cigarette butts flicked into the water and washing up in front of my spot. Potato chip bags being blown all over the beach and into the lake. And the double negatives? Don't get me started.

Just try to have some common courtesy and think about your surroundings. We're all in this together whether I like it or not.

And I can't get a tan in World of Warcraft.

1 comment:

schmeck said...

Um, funny again, Dave! Good on ya, bud!