Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A Preemptive Release of Some Of My Private Documents (or "Screw You, Julian").

Technology can be a cruel mistress. The internet was originally invented to bring the world and it's varied peoples closer together. As long as those varied peoples could afford a computer and AOL.

But that was a long time ago. The internet has evolved. It's become more useful than an "information superhighway". It now allows us to reconnect with our 3rd grade girlfriends, know exactly what Kim Kardashian is up to 24 / 7, and find out what the temperature is in Cayenne, French Guiana, with just a few keystrokes (86 as of this writing). Any of that "information" seem "super" to you? I didn't think so.

And now, Wikileaks.

Releasing sensitive government documents in the midst of all the tweets, youtube videos with cute kids or cats, and soccer scores. MUCKING UP the REAL things the interenet is intended for.

Personal attacks from Wikileaks can't be far behind. So I've decided to do what spin doctors call "getting out in front of it". Before they get me, I'm going to begin exposing my OWN private documents. Right here. On the internet. Beginning with a few years worth of letters to Santa Claus. I've corrected the spelling errors to spare myself and my teachers the embarrassment.

December 11th, 1975 (age 8)

Dear Santa,

Well here we are. Two years since I asked for the Big Wheel, and still no Big Wheel. While I appreciate the Tinker Toys and the Fisher Price Action Garage, I really kinda wanted the Big Wheel, which is why I'll ask for it once again. You brought one for Stevie McMann, a fact which he never lets me forget, and you even gave one to Violet - and she's only THREE. I don't know if there is some kind of Big Wheel lottery that you and the elves do, but I feel like outside of a few incidents (Mrs. Cahill's dog was NOT my fault), I've been "nice". Being good for a Big Wheel is a lot more incentive than doing it for goodness sake. The rest of my list is as follows:

Electric Football

J.J. from Good Times doll (that would be dyno-mite!)

Shrinky Dinks

Easy Bake Oven (I don't care what my dad says)

Steve Austin Six Million Dollar Man action figure (the one where you can look thru the back of his head and use his bionic eye)

That's it for this year, along with of course, the Big Wheel. My dad says I'll be too old for it next year (but he also says only girls and sissies want an Easy Bake Oven, but I don't think knowing how to bake is gender specific).

Mom says she'll skip the cookies and leave you the Pall Mall's and that funny smelling juice you like.

Merry Christmas and say hi to Missus Claus for me!

December 9th 1985 (age 17)

Hey Clausmeister,

I know I haven't asked for 6 or 7 years but I'm ready to try one more time for the Big Wheel and if it'll help, I'm also ready to admit Mrs. Cahill's dog WAS my fault. I wish I'd have had the chance to apologize before she croaked. Hope things are rad at the North Pole! This year has been pretty bodacious for me. The acne has started to clear up and Missy Higgenbotham actually made eye contact with me at the Homecoming game. Dennis says it's becuase I spilled my Jolt on her, but I think it's because my new haircut makes me look exactly like Sonny Crockett.

Anyway, this year's list should be pretty easy to fill, so here goes:

The new Stryper cassette; Soldiers Under Command. It's supposed to be gnarly.

A bass guitar, like the one Nikki Sixx plays in the "Shout at the Devil" video (is there some contradiction in asking for that on Jesus' birthday? If there is I'll take one like Mike Anthony has in "Jump". Van Halen FOR EVER!)

Some Le Tigre shirts in assorted pastel colors

Some of those cool Rags pants

a chain steering wheel for the ol' pinto - I think some bitchen' accesories will make it totally rad

That's it for this year. As always I'll leave the smokes and the screwdriver, though I guess I won't put the muffins out since you don't eat them and the easy bake oven is pretty much dead anyway.

Say hello to Mrs. Claus for me.

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